MyGiftedLife.org

Others here have mentioned wearing masks for different situations and groups. It seems this might be, at least for some of us, a mechanism whereby we have learned to observe and silently dissect others for the purpose of learning how to "handle" them. I do this regularly with my end users at work. Once I gather enough data on a person, I modify my behavior toward them in ways that are manipulative when I get right down to it. Now, I don't do this in a malicious way, but find that future interactions go more smoothly for me and them once I've found the right presence.

It's also been commonly mentioned that there is some inherent difficulty in building a gifted community. This masking might contribute to that, with all the members with all our masks trying to figure out how to handle each other. X masks in response to Y, but Y has already masked in response to both X and Z, and in the meantime, Z is trying to figure out how to balance her XY mask. It's hard to get to know a moving target. I wonder if this rapid adaptation makes us appear more different from one another than we would seem without all the masking. Especially since the masking process (for me, anyway) often includes a "being what is needed" component. That is, I will make myself a complement to the other person, which is great unless they're doing the same thing.

This is very interesting.

I find it very difficult to be different than I really am (that sounds a LOT more pious than I mean it--it is that I am really not that good at it). I have never had any filters, no real walls or defenses. I think it confuses people more than it helps for me to try to adapt. I think they must sense that I am different, and if I am acting differently than the person I am, they can see it and it is more off-putting. It probably seems more dishonest since I am so bad at it.

It has actually been a bit freeing, making a deliberate decision to be the person I am--I was never fooling anyone lolol.

Now I do adapt interests--for the most part if someone is interested in anything, I will be happy to get into it (even if it was something I was not interested to begin with--it is a cognitive exercise to play with new interests), and if there is an obvious need for me to adjust my patterns (such as with a child or something) then I will, but other than that, I am "what you see is pretty much what you get" (except a few tucked away OE's and some interests that, truthfully, very few people have).

I am new here, but honestly, do not expect much in the way of masks lol. I am getting to the age where I am finally fitting in my own skin and am eager to not let that go after years of feeling "too much and not enough".

That's wonderful, Atropine. I greatly admire people who are comfortable with themselves and willing to be seen truly. That adapting interests you mentioned sounds familiar, since I find just about everything interesting (especially when it's new and shiny to me and I'm learning about it from someone who holds it as a passion).

On other boards I've been on in the past, I've seen a few new users come onto the scene and present themselves in a certain way, then days later seem like an entirely different person. Then they seemed to go one of two ways, either they settled in and became a consistent (if mercurial) presence or they ended up in conflicts where they seemed to feel misunderstood or as if they weren't getting what they wanted from the board. It always made be sad, especially since some of them ended up leaving the board just when I had started feeling a kinship with them.

Zaftig - I'm a lot the way Atropine is. I am pretty much a WYSIWYG kind of person.

I always thought it was a weakness of mine not to be able to be anything other than who I am, even all during my formative years. But who I am did get me into a lot of scuffles with my family of origin. They just didn't like or accept my differences. And even though I was ashamed of who I was a lot, I also couldn't really do much to change it because I was not really able to or interested in playing a part that did not fit me.

And also, part of it was due to some very important affirmation I got in sources apart from my family.

I made the friendship of one of my girl-friend's boyfriends - yes, that sounds weird, but she was the one who wanted me to become his pen pal while the two of them were away at college (I was a senior in high school, they were freshmen in college when I started correspondence) so that she could feel comfortable cheating on him (yes, that is pretty "messed up"). But he and I became really close friends and went for long walks when he came home for breaks, talking about philosophy and got me interested in the intellectual satire of Month Python.

One of the things he kept reminding me of, all through my turbulent transition into college, was "To Thine Own Self Be True". Which, to me meant I owed to myself to be who I was and not let anyone change me. And nearly 22 years later, I still feel that way.

I had other affirming sources - the parents of some of my high school friends, who were a motley group of social misfits - the freaks and the geeks - some incredibly bright but downright un-pretty according to the standards of the mainstream, some stoners, some outcast simply for being overweight. I was very bright and downright un-pretty THEN, but I grew up to be fairly cute.

It's easy not to conform when you have a "band of brothers", in some fashion anyway.

When I grew up, I chose biotechnology for a career, so I was really in my element - I fit in at work with the other science geeks when I worked in forensic DNA at a crime lab.

Oh, and I wanted to add, since there is nothing really more frightening than testifying in criminal court under oath in front of a judge, attorneys and a jury and other miscellaneous court viewers with defense attorneys that make YOU out to be the bad guy instead of their client, you realize that typical social situations are a cakewalk in comparison.

At my last job, I was exposed to VERY brilliant geneticists and neurologists so I was no longer really even all that special. I was one of the "dumb ones" in comparison because they studied the field so much more than I. There is nothing more humbling than being with people who have been practicing their craft for 20 years.

So, yeah I had really no reason to hide who I am in my line of work.

Now that I'm a stay at home mom, I HAVE felt the distinction between myself and other mothers, but I just found out my youngest will have all day kindergarten in the fall, so I can take some classes again and feel like I'm developing my potential again.

I think putting on masks in part is due to social fear of being recognized as fraudulent, and part due to tendencies to present what we think others expect. This comes in from infancy. Our families are our first mirrors. If they mirror us incorrectly, we are bound to live from a false self. We present that false self in order to be acceptable to others. It is deeply unconscious and very difficult to determine what one's true self is if we were not mirrored accurately. We have the wrong information about ourselves.

Even I have had moments where my false self is at play. My false self arises from poor mirroring from my family of origin from the beginning because there was so much stuff my mother was dealing with (she divorced when I was 2 and remarried when I was 5 - she had no idea how to be there for us emotionally).

This happens frequently with families who are 1) downright abusive (verbally or physically) or 2) who simply do NOT understand giftedness, so they criticize the behaviors/expressions they do not want to see, and praise/reward those they do (sometimes intentionally, sometimes accidentally because they do not understand).

I'll pull up a resource to back up my claim later. I have to go get my daughter from school in a bit.

Oh, yeah, I also wanted to add that I married a mechanical engineer, so I really don't have to hide who I am from him, he knows and accepts what an intense autodidact I am, so he gives me a lot of leeway with how much time I spend researching and not keeping house.

But, because of that, I feel self-conscious about inviting people to my domicile since I've got books and half-finished projects and laundry baskets strewn about because I spend too much time thinking/reading/writing and not on housekeeping duties.

So I don't. Which protracts the sense of isolation I feel from time to time.

I must be frank...I am not always very comfortable in my skin. However, this is the skin the Lord gave me, so it is the perfect fit for me. It is difficult, though sometimes, when you are wearing dots when everyone else is wearing plaid