The adolescent years are an important stage of gifted development, made especially difficult when multiple talents make it difficult to choose educational and career paths and determine an identity. The emotional and psychological needs of the gifted are often neglected. Adults are all too often interested in the product of giftedness - developing the potential for academic and career success - and all too seldom interested in supporting the process and fulfilling the unique needs of those on whom they place such extraordinary expectations.
Last Updated on Sunday, 07 December 2008 16:51
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Re:Gifted Adolescence
Dec 07 2008 22:16:59
It's an excellent article and this isn't a criticism of it - just a sharing of my own experiences that differ from it.
My mother did not groom me or push me for or towards anything. Apparently she once made me sign a contract saying I would be a teacher in return for her continuing to read books to me, but I don't think she ever considered that binding or anything and I don't remember it.
I don't think any adult at all ever expressed interest in making me a good little capitalist corporate drone.
Also, at TIP (which I went to sessions at Duke every summer after the first one) I hung out and had fun with people and it didn't feel at all like competition was the point - except in International Relations when we would read in class and it was sort of like everyone had to prove how fast they could read. I went at my own pace and retained more of what I read and knew an answer on a test that no one else in the class knew.
I do remember one instance of being upset at failure - in sixth grade when I missed being in the first math group by making a 92 instead of a 93 on a test, I cried. But that was a very isolated incident and I never felt pressure about anything.
Basically my experience of being a gifted teenager was "School, even TIP in the summers, is ridiculously easy. Yay, I win awards and people tell me how smart I am and how good I am at writing. I wish I could talk to my friends about serious stuff, but oh well, they like me and we have fun. Even though it's utterly ridiculous that seniors in AP English don't know that angst is a word and I had to explain 'exonerate' to them in AP Biology and they make my eyes roll when they talk about the terrible tortures of being smart when actually they're quite stupid."
I am sorry that your father treated you like that.
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#65 |
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Re:Gifted Adolescence
Jan 11 2009 12:16:14
...when I missed being in the first math group by making a 92 instead of a 93 on a test...
I got an A instead of an A+ on a test. (Gee, I rarely
did well at all in school - no motivation.) Anyway,
the teacher informed me that so and so had gotten a better grade.
Now, I know "so-and-so" had crammed and crammed for this
test. I had done nothing, and suggested he give the test again in a few weeks and see what's what.
The teacher did. Again, I had done nothing. "So-and-so" did very poorly compared to the first time. Meanwhile, I aced the test...
Sometimes our rulers are poor instruments of measure.
Nice article - thanks for sharing.
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Re:Gifted Adolescence
Apr 26 2009 06:09:59
When a Junior in hi-school, an English teacher (old, addled and couldn't retire) once gave me a semester grade of B tho' I'd easily aced all her "tests" and commented that she'd graded me that way because she knew I wasn't "working up to my ability"!
Now there's some motivation (not!)
Next semester, another English teacher(!) corrected my word usage of the word "'expatiate' his guilt" re: main character of "Crime and Punishment." In that this was an "oral book report" she corrected me in front of the class, mid-sentence, that I should have said "expiate." She was so dead wrong and so famously evil and irrational, I said nothing, fearing her authority if I were to "argue" with her. I'd been kicked out of class for less.
Then there was Mr. Rothlisberger: he gave real tests in history and I came in to "wing it" as usual and flunked it! Now that was a shock; it had been multiple choice which were usually so lame that I never dreamed, even after it, that I was capable of an F.
But he asked me to stay after class and said that he knew that this grade did not reflect my ability and he'd disregard it in my final grade. He did. That extraordinary act of kindness and support was unique in my public education. It still revives my spirit just to recall and that's why I remember his name.
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Re:Gifted Adolescence
Apr 28 2009 14:14:48
This reminds me how my teachers seemed to give grades according to how much interest I'd paid in class, rather than my actual ability or achievement. I hated school and showed it, and actually used to get moved to lower sets just because I didn't/couldn't enjoy the lessons. No one sought to ask why, but merely thought they could force me to engage my interest through punishment.
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#462 |
This month, April, 2009 is the tenth anniversary of the Columbine High School shooting. Sharon Barnes moved into the Columbine neighborhood about six weeks before this tragedy. She wrote this article right after the shooting. Creative, highly sensitive and gifted people are often greatly affected by traumatic events-even those on the other side of the country or the world. Mrs. Barnes brings this article back in the hope that it will help you cope with this and other traumas you may encounter.
Last Updated on Saturday, 12 September 2009 16:45
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Re:Tips for Helping Gifted, Highly Sensitive Teens & Kids Cope with Trauma
Apr 21 2009 07:05:24
I did not see emphasis on the isolation/exclusion experienced by gifted kids. Additionally, I think some work should be devoted to the possibility that the "over-reaction" accusation from family and peers may contribute further to feeling so different from everyone else.
Such experiences as you describe often change kids and adults forever; qualitative
leaps may have taken place so welcoming the reactions into the individual's sanctum and making peace or growing to accept or even learn from them may be as if not more important than rebalancing your bicycle or dropping the pencil or yielding to the defeat emotions will deal you much as the incoming tide; these would be cognitive responses and are oil in the water of emotion.
How does one feel about these increasingly well defined feelings? How does one feel about oneself having such feelings? How does this fit into what you already thought or felt about yourself? Do you find yourself wishing not to feel as you do? What about other people? How might they react? How much do you want them to know? Do you control how much others know of your feelings even tho' you don't feel in control of the feelings themselves?
Breathing is great especially if extended into focus on the breath and practicing noticing the wrenching experience approaching and letting it go on by like a floating cloud. This is a gentle dealing with the shock and pain within oneself and what is treatment about anyway if not developing self-knowledge and acceptance despite the inability to change oneself fundamentally? And even as experience grows, accumulates, overwhelms and pains one? Developing tolerance is the strength.
And creativity itself is not the ingredient to (?) it is creative expression. If it can't come out in its created form, there is no release and no certainty of the quality or form of this energy.
Im one of those vicariously woundable people and just the term "scraps" hurts me and preceeds my fantasy of being relegated to the scrap heap...thrown away, unwanted, useless. "Recycled" is more fitting and a lot more cheery, don't you think?
I hope this feedback is of positive use to you from one of those people who was once one of those children; I went on so long due to a vicarious identification with your unseen gifties. And it brought up lots of my ancient pain too so please, read it in the spirit in which it is intended and for which it is not without cost.
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Re:Tips for Helping Gifted, Highly Sensitive Teens & Kids Cope with Trauma
Apr 21 2009 19:28:33
I'd just like to say a little word to parents out there. If your kid is clearly upset by something, whatever you do, please don't belittle your son/daughter's feelings and tell them that he/she is just "being silly". This only teaches the child not to trust or listen to the way he/she is feeling, and to accept other people's assessment of the situation over his/her own observation.
I wonder how many adults who are emotionally illiterate, who struggle to make progress in therapy or spiritual enlightenment practices because they can't identify how they are feeling, had their emotions or feelings of upset constantly belittled this way by their own parents.
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#443 |
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Re:Tips for Helping Gifted, Highly Sensitive Teens & Kids Cope with Trauma
Apr 22 2009 19:51:15
I'm going to go out on a limb and beg to differ.
Im one of those vicariously woundable people and just the term "scraps" hurts me and preceeds my fantasy of being relegated to the scrap heap...thrown away, unwanted, useless. "Recycled" is more fitting and a lot more cheery, don't you think?
It's not the word scrap that hurts you, it's what your mind conjures up when you hear the word that hurts you.
Scraps can refer to a lot of things. My primary association, being fond of the Buddhist tradition, is that of old Buddhist robes, which were made of scraps of fabric. There is a story I can no longer find of a teacher, perhaps the Buddha himself, borrowing another monk's robe to use as a sitting cushion. The monk is embarrassed by his patchwork robe, but the teacher comments that it is well-worn and soft.
We could argue all day long about what Sharon should call herself, but in the end, it's her choice, and the word only has power over you if you give it such. Personally, I prefer "scrap" to "recycling", as the former conjures up fabric and leather for me, and the latter seems mechanical and therefore less appealing.
"Potential" is a neutral word that can conjure up associations for me that aren't pleasant, but I know that, and I know that it's me, my brain, that's doing that to my/itself. It's a legacy of my childhood that is no more than a mental hiccup.
As you suggest yourself, it is merely a fantasy that you'll be relegated to the scrap heap. You know it's not reality.
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Re:Tips for Helping Gifted, Highly Sensitive Teens & Kids Cope with Trauma
Apr 22 2009 21:22:00
Emotion coaching our children is something that is not a standard parenting practice, but it should be. It's good for both the parent and the child to know how to deal with intense emotions.
My daughter isn't a teen, but 5.5. She's not had trauma, but she's overly anxious anyway. She also has selective mutism. We both are highly sensitive/overexcitable and I'm pretty certain she's highly gifted (based on assessments she's been given over the last year).
I work on emotion coaching her through picture stories. I created a kids' problem solving binder and blogged about it with links so that other parents can come up something useful of their own.
In case it might helps someone with younger kids (though one of the links is appropriate for 6-12 year olds):
growinginpeace.wordpress.com/2008/10/31/...blem-solving-binder/
It's hard being highly sensitive. It's worsened by lack of sleep, lack of good food (usually protein-rich foods to slow the digestion of carbohydrates), not enough exercise or sunshine/fresh air. Calcium/magnesium supplements are also helpful because they calm the body down from the inside out. Often, it's magnesium deficiencies contribute to depression.
I don't know what's in store for her. I'm hoping by working on things now, we won't ever have extreme issues when she's a teen. But then again, I'm pretty sure she will have to deal with over-sensitivities to the hormones when she's in puberty. It would not surprise me if they affect her more deeply.
Just throwing this out there in case it would help someone else.
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Re:Tips for Helping Gifted, Highly Sensitive Teens & Kids Cope with Trauma
Apr 26 2009 00:57:46
Another part of emotional coaching is identifying emotion. Emotions are messy things which when very strong can spill over into other feelings. Children especially can have trouble identifying how they feel and why -- and what they can do about it.
There's a training mantra that works for emotions as well "Identify, THEN operate". In other words, don't touch the controls if you don't know what they do -- well, the emotional application is not to go reacting wildly if you can help it until you know what you are feeling and how you can express it. I learned this application of the mantra in the Navigator course I took several years ago, and I will probably be working on this concept for the rest of my life.
Emotions don't usually come singly, either. Two or three come together and blur, masking themselves. You think you've dealt with the sadness and then find yourself still feeling some anger that was underlying it. Taking time to explore your feelings is important -- and admittedly one of my weak points. I still have trouble determining how I feel (or sometimes if) about things. But I'm working on it.
It may seem odd to many people that you can feel something so strongly that every nerve in your body screams and you can't breathe, and yet you can't describe it. When I was a child I did a lot of damage to inanimate objects for things that I couldn't express. I could wish that I had more help in this area back then.
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#453 |
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Re:Tips for Helping Gifted, Highly Sensitive Teens & Kids Cope with Trauma
Apr 26 2009 05:44:35
Of course I know what's real; silly me. I forget what is real in those nano-moments in which I'm flooded with feelings of nameless dread, then I (usually) snap back (or ooze back.)
If I try to avoid feelings like this, I end up hyper-vigilant. Speaking of old Buddhist robes, my ideal solution is to "watch the thought/feeling go by," to be dispassionate about the feeling since it is "of" me, mine, owned but not owning. Otherwise I might as easily stand at the edge of the sea and scream at the tide not to come in.
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#457 |
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Re:Tips for Helping Gifted, Highly Sensitive Teens & Kids Cope with Trauma
Apr 27 2009 19:29:34
iconoclast wrote:
Another part of emotional coaching is identifying emotion. Emotions are messy things which when very strong can spill over into other feelings. Children especially can have trouble identifying how they feel and why -- and what they can do about it.
There's a training mantra that works for emotions as well "Identify, THEN operate". In other words, don't touch the controls if you don't know what they do -- well, the emotional application is not to go reacting wildly if you can help it until you know what you are feeling and how you can express it. I learned this application of the mantra in the Navigator course I took several years ago, and I will probably be working on this concept for the rest of my life.
Emotions don't usually come singly, either. Two or three come together and blur, masking themselves. You think you've dealt with the sadness and then find yourself still feeling some anger that was underlying it. Taking time to explore your feelings is important -- and admittedly one of my weak points. I still have trouble determining how I feel (or sometimes if) about things. But I'm working on it.
It may seem odd to many people that you can feel something so strongly that every nerve in your body screams and you can't breathe, and yet you can't describe it. When I was a child I did a lot of damage to inanimate objects for things that I couldn't express. I could wish that I had more help in this area back then.
Identifying the emotion- yes, super important. It's what I try to work on as well, not usually at the moment, but often teaching has to come afterwards because she's unteachable during times of upset). But definitely there's more than one emotion at play (frustration is usually present in some manner and anger because it's, in a way, a defensive posture to take when you feel out-of-control), and usually also complicated by the adults reaction to the emotions.
I'd like to say even though I know in theory how to help my daughter, some of her more frustrating expressions of her emotions trips my own sensitivities - she has a very shrill voice at times that's maddening. Guess what my sensitivities are? Noise. And then there is my husband who tries to understand, but has his limits to what he can handle too.
It's complicated for sure, especially when you are a highly sensitive person raising a highly sensitive child.
I often used to wish I were less sensitive, but at the same time, I realize my talent for empathy and being able to reach to the heart of others lies directly in my emotional sensitivity (or emotional overexcitability). I couldn't have one without the other. But it does take a toll, because I absorb the negativity and it takes a while to recover.
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#460 |
So much categorizing people as gifted children or adults emphasizes having achieved significantly, having some distinction - high IQ or SAT scores, having a bestseller book or movie or being a sport superstar.
With perfectionism and high levels of self criticism, many gifted and talented people feel they don’t make it. And most people do not get significant public acclaim.
Last Updated on Monday, 23 February 2009 09:49
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Re:With or without the label and accomplishments
Mar 01 2009 21:47:50
Not everyone wants or needs recognition.
Certainly Valerie Wilson didn't...
Many people have things in their past
which can be used to the detriment of
their present and future. Sometimes to
the detriment of their family, country,
and (stretching a bit here*) Mankind.
* That might easily apply to some here.
Some subjects remain closed because there
is a social taboo associated with it.
Some subjects remain closed because they'd
scare the general public...
...many subjects remain closed out of fear.
“Why is giftedness linked to achievement — that is, what I can or cannot do — instead of what and how I feel?”
There's a huge, HUGE, difference between "doing what we must", "doing what we want", and "doing what
we wish"... those measurements will always be subjective in nature.
That's my thought on the subject.
What's yours?
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Re:With or without the label and accomplishments
Mar 03 2009 22:23:46
Many people might not want or need recognition, but for those who do, the frustration can be incredible.
My boyfriend is one of the most gifted people I've ever met, and is an incredible musician. It's a really sore point for him that he feels he isn't able to make ridiculous amounts of money (and lavish it all on me). He's deep and philosophical, and takes his frustrations out on God all the time - he'll drive out to the country where no one can hear him and shout his head off, call God the "c" word and tell him his universe doesn't work.
I think he feels that creative people in particular tend to have their gifts squandered by a society that tends to force them by means of economics into jobs where their natural inclinations are unused and often unwelcome, and I agree with him.
Neither of us had our gifts recognised when we were children; we were both tested by the education service for other reasons, but the results were promptly ignored by our schools and families. I can only speak for myself when I say that if someone had taken the trouble to take me aside at that age and explain why it was that I was different, I would have stopped thinking that I was crazy or defective. I certainly felt that the approval and regard of the adults in my life at the time was linked to doing well with my schoolwork or behaving in a certain way, and not loved and accepted as a person whether I achieved certain things or not. I was expected to "behave myself" and get the right answers...whereas I wanted to create my own subjects with my own answers (if that makes any sense).
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With or without the label and accomplishments
Dec 14 2009 17:57:42
One of the people in the book When Gifted Kids Don’t Have All the Answers: How to Meet Their Social and Emotional Needs, by James R. Delisle, PhD et. al., is Christine, 15, who asked, “Why is giftedness linked to achievement — that is, what I can or cannot do — instead of what and how I feel?”
The answer is this:
The world only values work done by hand, unless there is mind work that brings advantage through new technologies that lead to furthur consumerism. Heart work is almost never appreciated by society, as it is mostly societal duty or quality of life stuff. So, is an athlete who cannot "accomplish/achieve" still appreciated? Yes... because (s)he's a "team player" working on the concrete. Nice to know (s)he can fall back on effort through social loafing. There's no such safety net for a person who uses mind or empathic feelings because there's nothing concrete to show for the work, even if the work involves working in teams.
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One lament that pops up every so often is what to do with some obviously bright kid who is failing and underachieving at school, and I certainly recognize my own situation in many of the articles and stories I have read.
The phenomena with regard to these kids seems to run along the following lines:
1. Teacher presents work which the student has already encountered on his own initiative possibly several years before. Having read the material out of his own interest, his private study may well have taken him more deeply into the subject than regular school lessons will be likely to cover. Student inwardly sighs and thinks, "What a waste of lesson time, I covered this earlier".
Last Updated on Saturday, 12 September 2009 14:48
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The quilt, finished except for the label, was a small burgundy, mauve and ivory watercolor heart-shaped wall hanging. It took many moons to make, and I was tempted to skip the label. Painters sign their work on the front; quilt artists make a label for the back. But I just wanted to be done with it. I hate making quilt labels, because I never know what to say on them. So I pinned the quilt on my design wall, sat down to consider it, and asked myself: "What have we here?"
The next moment, I was listening with my memory. I heard:
"Hands on myself. What have I here? This is my hatracker, my mother dear. Hatracker, hatracker, Micky, Micky, Micky moo. That's what we learned in the school."
Last Updated on Saturday, 12 September 2009 16:50
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Imagine for a moment that you’re a child of roughly average intelligence and you have been placed in a class of intellectually disabled children. Got that picture in your head?
Imagine painstakingly going over the alphabet again and again with your class when you already know how to read. Imagine practicing basic arithmetic day after day, long after you get it, but never moving on to more sophisticated math. Imagine the boredom, frustration, and apathy that sets in after a period of time. If you’re a quiet kid, you might just get depressed, feign sick to get out of class, or spend a lot of time looking out the window, daydreaming. Even though it’s easy, too easy, your work might suffer. If you’re a little antsier, you might play a practical joke or pick a fight, just to have something to do. Either your teacher gets angry with you for not paying attention or she gets angry with you for causing trouble.
Or imagine that your teacher notices how bored you are, and starts you on the next lesson while she works with the other kids. Maybe you’re not bored anymore, but it’s awfully lonely sitting in the corner by yourself, doing different work from the other kids all the time. Your teacher doesn’t have much time to answer your questions, and there’s no one else in class you can ask. Sometimes your teacher asks you to read to the other kids, or help them, and while it makes you proud at first, it gets tiresome after a while being responsible for everyone else. After all, you’re just a kid. When do you get to learn?
Your classmates are mostly good kids, nice kids, who make good trades at lunch, who try really hard in class, and who love a good joke and the Saturday morning cartoons the same as you do. They may be good friends, but there’s a gap there. You’ll never share the same experiences. They may never know what it’s like to finish high school or go to college, or to read a 300-page novel. They may be your friends and your classmates, but they’re not your peers.
Now slide that gap over, and imagine you’re the lone gifted kid in a class full of kids of average intelligence. It’s the same amount of difference, statistically speaking. It seems absurd that a child of average intelligence in a classroom of intellectually disabled kids wouldn’t immediately be pulled out of the class and put in a class with his or her peers, right? But that’s precisely what we do to gifted kids every day.
I was that kid. Although in 7th grade I tested well enough on the SAT to be admitted to many colleges and universities, the only accommodation I received in my elementary and middle schools was a bit of acceleration and in-class differentiation. I was fortunate to attend a high school, a public one no less, in which three quarters of the student population was gifted, just like me. It was finally like what I imagine most people’s school experience was. The work was hard, but not too hard, and my classmates and I were working at similar levels. Even among that population, though, I stood out: I ended up graduating third in my class.
I didn’t finish my bachelor’s degree right after high school, so not long ago I went back to university. That old, familiar sense of discomfort I felt all those years in elementary and middle school came creeping back. Granted, I’m a mature student and I stick out anyway, but the real differences are intellectual.
I get vague about grades – most of them are A+’s, but I just tell people I’m happy with what I got. I get selective about raising my hand in class because I’d rather answer the hard questions than the gimmes, and inevitably my profs urge me to give someone else a shot. I often end up saving them from those uncomfortable, answerless silences anyway. I frustrate them sometimes because I am often five steps ahead, and I often ask questions that no one else even understands, much less knows how to answer. I feel like I’m that lonely, awkward little kid again, in a class full of people who will never delight in reading Abraham Maslow for fun; who don’t get kicks out of winning a shiny blue pencil for solving the Math department’s problem of the week, week after week; who write poetry not because it’s the best way they know of expressing themselves, but because they thought creative writing would be an easy A.
I may get down about it, but as an adult, I’m much better equipped to deal with the inevitable disappointments and frustrations. I can provide myself with the resources I need – intellectual challenge and interaction with true peers – and don’t have to rely on the educational system to do it for me. In so many ways, I’m glad I’m not that little kid anymore. The system is still failing us.
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Discuss (2 posts)
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Re:Why Gifted Education Can’t Go Away
Mar 07 2010 23:37:08
Gifted education can and will go away as resources to our bulging population plummet. But giftedness will stubbornly survive so long as there is a way to record observations and time allowed to do it. I expect more giftedness will evidence itself, if childhood trauma is a causal factor. Time will have to be made for problems to be solved. And for as long as there are loving parents, there will always be home schooling, especially as state-supported education breaks down or becomes replaced by distance internet studies. Very little of gifted education is single teacher-directed. My best teachers died over a century ago. I am much less the marvellous encyclopedic computer that is my ill-gotten reputation than a mere repository of confiscated ideas that I somehow seem to connect and recombine with an element of chance to stumble upon something meaningful.
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Re:Why Gifted Education Can’t Go Away
Mar 08 2010 16:56:30
Trillian, one thing you said in particular piqued my curiosity.
I expect more giftedness will evidence itself, if childhood trauma is a causal factor.
Who's speculating that, what evidence is there so far for the diathesis-stress explanation, and how does it work? It implies that more people could be gifted but are never subjected to the trauma that makes them so. What do those people look like? Merely bright?
I'm fascinated by this idea.
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#1638 |
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